My name is Corey and in spite of coming a long way from where I first began, I have found myself lost in an oblivion. I feel trapped in a bad episode of twilight zone with the crypt keeper as my narrator. What's worse is that it seems the story has gotten stuck on repeat so when it reaches the end it automatically rewinds and starts right back at the beginning again like that Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. Except, each opportunity to improve myself and make a chapter in my life easier was not something I had thought of. Rather, I would let each episode play out entirely identical to the first and point with a judgmental finger to those watching as if I predicted what would happen with some psychic foresight. Never did I realize I was setting each failure up unknowingly.
All my life I thought I was the hapless victim of circumstance. I frequently found myself staring in the mirror with tears in my eyes searching for the answers to why this or why that. I had begun feeling angry and bitter towards myself for what I thought was me being too kind, to understanding or too patient in a cold cruel world who never took the time to see who I really am. Instead, everyone was part of some ultimate conspiracy to make me feel alone. Which is where I discovered that I was alone. I always had been alone.
I was abandoned several times as a child and while this is excuse enough to have trust issues and lack of ability to establish any real connection with another human being, it was no reason for me to prey on others like a black widow out to exact revenge. That was never my personality. I was a considerate, compassionate individual with a temper if you crossed me the wrong way... or so I thought. My ability to pull someone close to me was a subconscious art that ensured the person felt ways about me they had never felt for another. Once I had them in my snare I would size them down and tear them to shreds, leaving an empty shell that I would then fill with the very same poisonous blood I possessed. My only hope was that they too would turn around and infect others with this cruel sickness of loneliness.
You have to understand, the entire time I was doing any of the above actions, I believed I was falling in love and finally sharing those unconditional desires with someone who felt the same about me. I was convinced I was filling a void that my mother and father left empty with another soul who was just as damaged as me and found strength knowing the feelings were mutual. It was then that insecurities and fear of being abandoned again would set in and take over my entire being. It was then that the full fledge evil would come out and my victims were left in shambles. I would wake and weep, for I felt I had been used, abused and left for the ravenous world of wolves, weakened and wounded.
The mind of a child is fanciful and creative. Take one out of the natural elements and watch as human nature takes over. My animal instincts were solely based on survival. I thrived on others pain without even knowing it and I would in turn use that pain to write and create poetry so many people can associate with, write stories that others have lived themselves and direct horror movies that some can hardly fathom.
My name is Corey, but I am a beast. I am nor will I ever be who and what I dream of. I am a survivor and I know nothing else. If things around me are not chaotic, I don't know what to do with myself. This is not the way I want to live my life, but it seems I have no choice. It is buried so deep in the mysterious psychological depths of my brain that it seems I am a lost cause and while this hurts me to admit, I hope it is the answer to my healing.
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