Time

I don't know what it is that I'm looking for anymore. I have gone through the same pile of papers a hundred times searching for something that just doesn't seem to be there. While I have no idea what it is I'm looking for, I feel like that is where I'm going to find it. In a pile of crumpled papers. Receipts, bills, contracts and report cards lay in this pile, but I'm looking for something else. An answer. A resolution. A proposition. Anything. Anything except what is actually there. On the surface everything looks the same, white pages with black ink. Envelopes with clear windows addressed to someone. Old candy wrappers that some how got in the mix send sweet sensations throughout my mouth full of memories from when I had originally bought the package.

As I close my eyes, I can see you standing in front of me with one of the candies in your hand and a smirk on your face. I tilt my head and respond with a similar smile. "What flavor do you think this is?" I look to your hands and see the yellow wrapper and the first thing that comes to mind is lemon. "Don't look at the wrapper, that won't help." You tell me to guess and stop trying to figure it out. Instead, I went to the other end of the spectrum. "Grape." I jokingly answered and as the words left my lips, the smirk left your face and your eyes got big. I felt like I had upset you, but two seconds later you tremble the words "how did you know?"

Our connection was strong. When I hurt, you felt it. When I was happy, you felt amazing. When you thought of me, I would randomly get the urge to call, without fail. Our love was intense and more than we both could bare and stronger than we were ready for. Our pasts were so damaged and broken that one would think our union would be a fairytale fantasy found in some Walt Disney movie complete with happily ever after. Unfortunately, that's not the path we took. Believe me, it could have if only we had given ourselves time.

This is a story full of trial and tribulation. It is of growing and changing and of loving and letting go. It is of appreciating everything for what it is worth, rather than what you want it to be.

Sometimes we find ourselves in other people. They help us get back in touch with our soul and when we meet those people we want to hold on to them forever. We want to absorb them into ourselves so we never have to lose them. Sometimes these people have a purpose in your life and that is all they are meant to be. Yet, some part of us can't let go and move on after they have done what they have come to do and we lose sight again. Soon, another comes along with the same purpose, since you didn't hold on to the information last time, and again, they are gone and again, you don't retain the information because you didn't open yourself up for the life lesson due to your fear that they too would eventually be gone. Time and time again, people come into your life and go, waiting to deliver a message, to serve their soul purpose in your life and you shut them out and reject them.

Sometimes you find yourself living your life as if you were a hamster in an exercise wheel. It's a repetative cycle that becomes mundane and predictable. Soon, the message you refuse to hear stops coming and you pray "Dear God why won't you answer my prayers? I have believed in you and waited for you, yet you foresake me." As the tears fall down your face your phone rings. You answer. "Hello?" "Do you want to come with me tonight? I'm going to a party and my boyfriend got sick and had to cancel last minute. I still want to go and you can use his ticket. Please?"

Your immediate reaction is dread. You don't want to be out. You don't want to see people. You don't want to be at this party, but you can hear that your friend needs you and suddenly you feel obligated to be a good friend and wipe your tears away. "What time is it at and where are we going?" As your friend relays the information to you, you're mentally going through your closet to think about what you should wear. Quickly you hop in the shower and start preparing for your noble deed for the day. You meet your friend, fake smile on your face and off the two of you go.

Of course someone walks over to you and it is another individual with a purpose in your life. There is immediate chemistry, which opens you up to receive the message and quickly the debate turns religious. You exchange ideas and ideals with each other and the seed is planted. They give you their number in hopes that you call and like a ghost they disappear, not to be seen again through the night.

You spend the rest of the time entertaining your friend and enjoying the party, but you can't seem to get this person out of your head. They were charismatic, energetic, and had an energy about them that you couldn't deny if you wanted to. You were attracted to them and though they aren't normally your type, there was just something about them that made you want to know more.

You followed your gutt and waited a few days before calling, maybe it was the position of the moon that finally forced you to cave in and call, but you call and the conversation went as if you had been sitting and chatting all night at the party. You talked to each other until dawn and hadn't noticed the time. Neither one of you know it, but you both have purpose and this purpose will be short lived. There is nothing either of you can do to make it last longer.

In the blissful days, while laying on the couch watching a movie, you look up to them and whisper, you are the answer to my prayers and oddly enough, they are. They are there to remind you of who you are. They are there to ensure you remember what it is like to live. They are there to give you hope. They are there to share a moment with you that can last a lifetime, if only you would let it. As time continues to pass, days become weeks, weeks become months and months become years, the bliss slowly fades and becomes routine. Every day is the same. Every moment predictable. Upon carefully analyzing everything, you realize that you are just as unhappy in the relationship as you are out of it.

This person didn't come into your life to be a part of your life. They came to deliver a message and no amount of time could make them the person you want them to be. "You have forgotten yourself and so, have forgotten me." A disturbing line from the Lion King rings true through your head and you decide to embark on a journey into the depths of your soul. You have finally gotten the message.

MORE

More, a word we use often. Something we never have enough of. Something we strive for. Something that keeps us from living for the moment. More is a greater amount, quantity or degree, a hope. Whichever it is, it is not yours. Whether it's more time, more money, more friends, more things to do, more children, more chances, we always want more and when we get it, it's not enough, we still want more.

We set our goals so far in the distant future and above any real attainable par that humanity as a whole seems to constantly disappoint us. Today is never enough and what we have falls short of what we want; more.

Yesterday I wanted more and I set out to get it. My head was bogged. I was so focused on getting things ready for tomorrow and I missed out on today. I missed everything that was happening around me. I didn't see the sun rise, I didn't see it set. I didn't see what my daughter was wearing to school, I didn't remember if I had packed her lunch. I don't know if I dropped her off at the front or the back of the school. I couldn't tell you if the leaves had fallen off of the trees on the path to her school. I was too busy thinking about tomorrow.

I wanted tomorrow to be perfect. I wanted everything to come together just as I have imagined it. I could see it all. I could see everyone's face light up as they saw everything I had planned and executed. I had so much more to do though before it would be ready. I spent my day running through a list of things I needed to do for tomorrow. I was rushing and angry when people got in my way. I was frustrated as street lights turned red. I was angry when my credit card declined. I was infuriated when I couldn't get the food I needed for tomorrow. I couldn't see an inch passed my nose.

Tomorrow hadn't even begun and yet I was sitting on my bedroom floor crying in sheer disappointment. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let everyone down and that they were counting on me to come through. Tomorrow hadn't even started and I could already feel that everything I had invested into these grandious plans was crumbling down right before my eyes.

I was projecting. I was using the past to dictate my future and was not making the most of what I had. I was feeling the resentment from the past and assuming it to be my future. I was submitting to a thought that was not my reality. Unfortunately, I felt as if it were my reality. Everything seemed real. I hadn't even woken up the next day and I was living today as if it were tomorrow already.

The irony of all this is that it can be applied to just about anything you do. Whether it is planning for a party or planning a happy ending with a romantic interest, we are inevitably setting standards that we strive to achieve some be all end all goal without actually living it through. In the end we sabotage the very thing we set out to protect. We wanted more because what we had was not enough and in the end we lost it all.

Tomorrow arrived and only a few of my guests arrived. Many had cancelled or just didn't show up and the night before, when I looked in the mirror I realized what it was that I was doing. I stopped myself instantly and made the best of what I had and enjoyed myself while I was doing it and those that showed up were astonished at what I had done.

You see, I expected more of myself. I expected me to be something I'm not. I expected you to love me more for doing it and when you didn't my world came crashing down.

Realization

Somewhere along the road I took a wrong turn. It didn't help that I was given bad directions, but I kept going in what I thought to be the right path and never stopped to ask for help. This is no Forrest Gump story with a happy ending, in fact, each stop I made always seemed to end in tragedy. Someone usually got hurt or was left disappointed and while I always thought that somebody was me, I have recently discovered that I was wrong.

My name is Corey and in spite of coming a long way from where I first began, I have found myself lost in an oblivion. I feel trapped in a bad episode of twilight zone with the crypt keeper as my narrator. What's worse is that it seems the story has gotten stuck on repeat so when it reaches the end it automatically rewinds and starts right back at the beginning again like that Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. Except, each opportunity to improve myself and make a chapter in my life easier was not something I had thought of. Rather, I would let each episode play out entirely identical to the first and point with a judgmental finger to those watching as if I predicted what would happen with some psychic foresight. Never did I realize I was setting each failure up unknowingly.

All my life I thought I was the hapless victim of circumstance. I frequently found myself staring in the mirror with tears in my eyes searching for the answers to why this or why that. I had begun feeling angry and bitter towards myself for what I thought was me being too kind, to understanding or too patient in a cold cruel world who never took the time to see who I really am. Instead, everyone was part of some ultimate conspiracy to make me feel alone. Which is where I discovered that I was alone. I always had been alone.

I was abandoned several times as a child and while this is excuse enough to have trust issues and lack of ability to establish any real connection with another human being, it was no reason for me to prey on others like a black widow out to exact revenge. That was never my personality. I was a considerate, compassionate individual with a temper if you crossed me the wrong way... or so I thought. My ability to pull someone close to me was a subconscious art that ensured the person felt ways about me they had never felt for another. Once I had them in my snare I would size them down and tear them to shreds, leaving an empty shell that I would then fill with the very same poisonous blood I possessed. My only hope was that they too would turn around and infect others with this cruel sickness of loneliness.

You have to understand, the entire time I was doing any of the above actions, I believed I was falling in love and finally sharing those unconditional desires with someone who felt the same about me. I was convinced I was filling a void that my mother and father left empty with another soul who was just as damaged as me and found strength knowing the feelings were mutual. It was then that insecurities and fear of being abandoned again would set in and take over my entire being. It was then that the full fledge evil would come out and my victims were left in shambles. I would wake and weep, for I felt I had been used, abused and left for the ravenous world of wolves, weakened and wounded.

The mind of a child is fanciful and creative. Take one out of the natural elements and watch as human nature takes over. My animal instincts were solely based on survival. I thrived on others pain without even knowing it and I would in turn use that pain to write and create poetry so many people can associate with, write stories that others have lived themselves and direct horror movies that some can hardly fathom.

My name is Corey, but I am a beast. I am nor will I ever be who and what I dream of. I am a survivor and I know nothing else. If things around me are not chaotic, I don't know what to do with myself. This is not the way I want to live my life, but it seems I have no choice. It is buried so deep in the mysterious psychological depths of my brain that it seems I am a lost cause and while this hurts me to admit, I hope it is the answer to my healing.

To those that may have been caught in the wrath, please forgive me. I am a product of my environment and despite my ernest attempts to change, I can't help but be who I am, even though it's not the person I believe that lives inside.

Fear

In the midst of an emotion so overwhelming you would swear the other was the one meant for you. The connection and chemistry so strong, there isn't anything anyone could do to separate the two of you. Your hearts beat in sync and without evening truly knowing what the other is thinking their words find a way out of your mouth.

Fear sets in. Fear of loss, fear of being wrong, fear of the other not feeling the same. The other comes to you, sharing the exact same concerns and somehow, you both find strength in communicating your darkest thoughts with another who, ironically, knows exactly what you mean.

Feelings continue to grow, beyond your definition of what your ideal of loving another means into a territory that is new. You automatically begin changing for this person to preserve your place in their life. You sever ties with numerous connections to avoid conflicting emotions. You take everything you are to another level for this person and you find out secretly, they have been doing the same thing. The love grows ever so much more.

Any amount of time apart feels like an eternity. Minutes become hours, hours become days, days become weeks and a glance at the clock proves only a few seconds have passed you by. The love becomes it's own identity, dependent on your needs to be together. Sleeping becomes an impossible task without hearing the others voice. Daily routines are hindered in progress when the other is not available to wake with you. Negotiations are made to maintain a level of sanity and when met, both people blossom and flourish in an almost unstoppable rhythm.

As the love continues to grow and find that it has no boundaries and trust is developed, despite years of learning not to trust anyone but yourself, you find that you are free. Free from a world of limitations and confinements, free to be who you are with no concerns of who is watching or what others may think. The freedom this type of love offers is compelling and motivational, yet triggers jealousy and envy in others. The energy transmitted into the universe from people who want what you have creates obstacles that require patience to overcome. The world will throw many difficult situations that make it seem impossible for the couple to be together and the challenges escalate with their triumph over the last. As situations arise that lead the pair to believe it is just not working and tears are shed as they attempt to part ways, the pain felt is immense and beyond life shattering. While it is hard for them to be together, it is life threatening for them to be apart.

There is nothing that will keep me away from you, except you. When you push, I can only pull for so long before I feel defeated and let go. My soul wants to beg you to stay, my heart has no clue what is happening, but my head continues to convince me that what we had was imaginary and that you are just a great actor who deserves an Oscar. I find myself in a confusing situation, alone. I try to call so you can console me, but you refuse to answer.

I am strong. I have been where I am several times over and I know I can get through the pain again. I know I can raise our child and provide for them everything they will ever need to have a chance at life; which is all my love. I know I can continue and be fine without you. I know I don't need you. However, I believe these are the things you are using to fuel your fears to help you continue a path that leads away from us and if they are, I want you to know I am dying inside. I am weaker than I have ever been. Never in my life have I known the happiness you helped me find within me nor have I had the opportunity to glow and show the world what someone else means to me without saying a word. But you're right, I will be fine, eventually. I'm sure you will be as well. The sad part is that together, we would have been great.

My name is Penelope, and while I believe my husband to be dead, I will wait!

Love

Love - the basic human need. The lengths we go to obtain it, keep it or protect ourselves from it because of the pain associated with losing it is infinite.

My story is not a happy one nor is it sad. It just is what it is.

As a child, I grew up without my parents really being there for me. My dad was no where to be found and my mom was an alcoholic drug addict raised by a single working mom who was also an alcoholic. Needless to say, my mom didn't receive the tools needed to raise her own children and I ended up bouncing around in the foster care system until I was 18 years old. If you have lived in a foster home or group home, you understand that the parents are genuinely concerned for your well being and their hearts are definitely in the right place, but the love they offer comes with boundaries, limitations and restrictions. You don't follow the rules, you're sent to a new home. And lets face it, those of us who ended up in care came from broken families and rules just weren't our specialty. That being said, rules got broken... a lot.

In group homes, it is a rotation of staff members who work full-time and when they called in sick they were replaced with on-call staff. Even when there was a one on one worker assigned to a youth, there was no guarantee that particular member would be able to create a bond with the child. In many of the homes I lived in I can still think of my favorite staff members who left a lasting impression on me simply because they were cool and understood the changes our adolescent bodies were going through. None of the ones I can think of uniquely had a bond with me, nor me with them, that could remotely be considered unconditional.

While the possibility of creating a pure bond was much more prevalent in foster homes than it was in group homes, since it was families housing needy youth, there was still the disappointment from expectations. Some foster families wanted a certain race, while others don't care about race, but felt that once the youth reached a certain age there is no saving them. Then sometimes, you find parents that truly connect with the lost soul living in their home and that person grows up to be a semi-normal human being in society. Yet, these are becoming fewer and farther between.

I craved attention and affection, a bond, with anyone, that was full of unconditional love throughout the majority of my life. The only problem was that I was looking in all the wrong places. As I got older, I started looking to men to fill this childish need for parents. If you read my book entitled Held Captive, then you know one of the men I chose to love ended up being my testimony to life. When men failed to live up to my needs, I resorted to creating bonds with other females who, like me, didn't have a proper upbringing or close knit relationship with their parents and had an emptiness that somehow I managed to satiate. It was fulfilling enough to realize I had a problem and that there was a nature versus nurture problem in the system that is designed to protect youth and set them up for life.

I was educated enough to hold a job once I escaped my abusive situations. After years of counseling I discovered a new me, a better me. I was smart, funny, beautiful, eccentric, eclectic, articulate, empowered and independent. Unfortunately, I still had a burning desire for love. Real love. A happy ending with a Prince charming who swept me off my feet and saved me from myself. Despite being a great person, I still had character flaws and baggage. Insecurities that arose once I found a man who peaked my interest were a huge challenge for me. I could find good men who were very established and I could connect with them on levels that would have eventually lead to my happiness, but I sabotaged it.

In 2005 I met someone who grew to be special to me. We enjoyed each others company, we always had a good time, and we had some similar interests that took us a long way. In the end, I turned out to be the other woman and I didn't even know it. I had given a man my everything that was keeping me as a back up plan and I still couldn't tell you if the signs were there for me or not. I was devastated. My heart was broken into little bits and pieces and my soul was torn to shreds, never to be seen again for years.

In the meantime, I took some time off from dating and spent time with someone I had false hope of being with again. My daughters father and I grew close as friends and I believed eventually we would be able to find the love again that once existed, especially now that he had the time to really mourn the loss of me while I was in another relationship for a year. He spent several months getting to know a different side of me while we were friends. We spent every weekend together, whether at his house or mine and we talked about everything. When he began dating another woman while I had taken the kids on spring break, I was destroyed once again, still, with no sight of my soul.

Luck would have it that fate was working to salvage the good that was left inside me. I had reconnected with God who knew all my secret desires and needs, but the devil also knew my likes and dislikes, so I decided I was going to be single until I find someone I connect with on a more spiritual level. After several failed attempts with men who didn't even deserve a single moment of my time and being left disappointed, I figured being single was good place to start. I was searching for my soul again and had been reading several books on where to find it, since it had been lost almost four years. It was about time I reconnect with the innermost precious part of myself during a year I intended to invest on bettering who I am. Wouldn't you know it, I would randomly meet the man of my dreams, perfect in every way for me. Neither one of us was looking, nor did we know what was going to happen after a single conversation. Eight hours solid of back and forth communication and getting to know one another and sparks were flying. And low and behold, my soul had come out of its secret hiding spot and sent chills up and down my body that created a safe haven for this new romance to flourish. Now that I had found my spirit and became reconnected to God, all I could do was give praise and thanks. The added bonus of finding a soul mate made every bad experience mean the journey was worth traveling.

He was worth the wait, worth the pain I've suffered, worth the travels through hell time and time again and I made the mistake of saying "if I had known my dream was for sure going to be my reality I would definitely go on that long journey again" because as fast as he came in he popped back out. I let my past insecurities in. What I believed to be me protecting him and his feelings, turned out to be detrimental to our goals and plans. He found himself becoming the better person he had hidden deep inside in uncontrolled emotions going crazy and falling in love. Spring fever was prominent. Yet somehow, my intentions backfired and I crushed him.

Him and I are now friends and obviously that is not enough for me and I don't believe that is enough for him either. I feel him. He feels me. Even at distances unknown, we can physically feel each others essence surging through our bodies. It was more than just a mental and emotional connection, it was divine. He captured my heart and freed my soul which I will forever be grateful for. I took him to an extreme level of unconditional love he never knew he could go, but now that I have hurt him because of an inclination that lead to a hypothetical situation and assumed outcome that I managed to conjure out of a simple statement we are just friends. I wrote him a letter and my very best intention was that of selfless love, protecting him and taking the fall, yet it turned out to be another form of sabotage that prevents me from moving forward in life.

Seems that the one thing I yearn for most is obtainable, but once I have it staring me in the face I have no idea how to hold it. I seem to create illustrious expectations out of difficult situations that only God can fathom, and somehow, I hope these men, these human men, can live up to them. I may have just lost Mr Right due to my issues that have nothing to do with him, or maybe, as friends we will recreate the bond he has stepped back from in order to gain control over himself and his emotions. I believe this may have indirectly caused him to put up the wall he initially didn't want to have with me, the one he normally has up when it comes to his emotions. Yet there is also the chance that maybe as friends he will come to realize he didn't need to put the wall up just because I expressed myself in a way he disagreed with. I hope he can take my hand and guide me through the painful torment I manage to put myself through. He has refused to go anywhere because of the realness of the bond, but that has been damaged. Despite the fact that we both learned something from the situation and gained insight about one another, we lost a rare connection. Hopefully that feeling can be salvaged after I find a cure to my insecurities. However, a subsiding fear that I lost him forever lingers and leaves a hole in my heart and a sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've only felt that feeling once before and the outcome wasn't good. If there's anything we learned today its that my past is not a good predictor of my future and I am working hard to rebuke my negative feelings, but I'm alone right now with my emotions and tears are welling up. I'm feeling weak.

One good thing, I'm writing again!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness - one of the hardest things in the world to do, but a huge part of repetitive issues in your life are due to issues that are left unresolved, unforgiven.

My recent issues with love and how to hold onto it when I find it have almost everything to do with the fact that I have been living in the past. I have been found time and time again comparing yesterdays mistakes to tomorrows problems. Of course, that comes naturally. Whether you have had positive outcomes or negative ones, your responses often reflect the course of action that lead you to the resolution (and heres the key) in the past . We tend to react, instead of think. Or at least, I know I do, especially where emotions are concerned.

I am inquisitive by nature. I was the child that asked why the sky was blue. I constantly want answers to the nature of things and rarely do I just bask in the experience. One of the questions I asked recently led me to find the answer in a painful way, the hard way. I did, however, get my answer. This led to a series of questions regarding my character flaws and insecurities. I wanted to deal with these problems that persisted in my life, causing grief to those I love and care about, as well as myself. I wanted to close the doors and change that part of me to reflect the love I feel, rather than the fear nestled deep inside, rooted in past experiences that I would never wish on foe.

The question that lead me to feel pain of loss again was "is this the real thing?" The answer was yes, but I didn't get the answer until I lost the love I had found. Which was not what I was trying to accomplish, unfortunately, my foolish heart has a tendency to doubt things because so many others have mistaken my kindness for a weakness and abused it. Naturally, I had to question the feelings I was dying to feel before I could let myself go and bask in the beauty of his dedication to me.

I was living in the past while I was trying to enjoy the present and predicting my future based on something someone else did. I hurt the person so deep they began to question the feelings that came natural to them in the moment. My past not only caused me pain, but has caused him a grief after finding something he was searching for, leaving him trying to dictate and control his feelings with his thoughts instead of his heart. My past was reliving itself in a way I never intended and quite frankly, I wish it would have stayed where it belonged instead of interrupting my new relationship and changing the course of my life path. Unfortunately, it couldn't.

My past and my future is like a hallway, one long hallway that started when I was a child. The hallway is full of doors, behind me are doors that are opened and in front of me are doors that are closed. Yesterday, this man helped me realize that my insecurities are my issue and I woke up questioning how I could deal with those insecurities. My first instinct was to fall back and run to my past, but clearly that has done nothing for me. I had been reliving and recreating a past that only hurt me. As I got on my computer and checked my notes on facebook and emails in hotmail, I found myself visiting a friends page who has been a positive inspiration for many months. His faith in God is strong and I have gravitated towards him during times of darkness and weakness looking for answers. On his page I found an old posting answering someone else's questions about what to do in a situation. In his response I found the sentence "you seem to prefer the pain you know to the pain you don't know." This hit a nerve, as it seemed to be directly related to the questions that were bothering me today.

The pain I know is something I know I can handle. I got through it before, and I know I can get through it again. At the time I was experiencing it I didn't realize this fact, but now, I know it and therefore I choose to relive my past because it is easier to face whatever disappointment could possibly be ahead of me. I was indirectly recreating my past with every new possibility that lay ahead. This is how I have kept myself in the same place for a little while, despite the desire to move ahead.

When I went to my inbox, there was a message from the man who started this journey with me. He responded to a poem I felt the need to write him and in that message I said, without even realizing it, was that I realized I had insecurities and that I was holding on to the past and that I have a Christian obligation to forgive a certain part of my past and the person who caused the pain and resentment. I also said I didn't know. Then I went to my church website and got the notes for today's sermon. In the notes there was a particular line the struck a nerve cord and made me sing a tune of "uh oh" that's exactly what I did to this man. I got into a situation with him that required me to respond in loving kindness and understanding. Instead, I went to my past and found my response. Pastor Bruxy said in his notes that "I must be careful to resist the urge to 'cut and run' at the first sight of immaturity in others. I took this as a direct message to me from God because it was exactly what I did to my new friend. I saw he was about to embark on an experience I had already gone through and instead of standing by his side, knowing it was going to be a difficult journey, I chose to run, in attempts to prevent him from going on this journey at all.

My past ensures that my present is stagnant. Every day, thoughts arise in my head that harbor my current situations and without any thought, things don't go the way I'd like them to go and that's because the change I desire is a pain I have yet to experience. I know that my pains of yesterday were so unbearably hard to conquer when I first went through them and so I avoid creating situations that will lead me to pains I don't know without even knowing whether that is the direction they are heading in. I managed to switch from being a positive, uplifting person who sees the flip side of the coin in a variety of colours in other peoples real life situations, to someone that could only see in black and white in my own experiences.

The questions and answers were right there in front of my face and my black and white tunnel vision was preventing me from seeing what it was that I was looking for. I got hit at least three times with the answers and still, it wasn't enough. I still wasn't hearing the voice of God tell me the answers to alleviate my inquisitive mind. I chatted, I posted materials on my page and I spent a couple hours wasting my time. I had two books on my side table staring at me and something inside me telling me to read where I left off. I had started reading these books to get the answers I was looking for in my life, yet somehow, while lots of it made clear sense, I wasn't getting the messages I was supposed to be receiving and had this experience not fall upon me, I'm not sure I ever would have.

It is in the realization that I have trapped myself where I am, incapable of moving forward or maintaining a healthy relationship with men, that I have truly discovered the answer to my problems. It is definitely not going to be easy, but I am ready. I know I'm ready because I have God guiding me. He has been pulling me gently even when I was resisting, He knew it was for my own good. Strategically, He has placed obstacles on my path He knew would slow me down long enough to delve into discovering what the answer might be. And the answer is forgiveness.

This is not going to be an easy journey and as I laugh hysterically with how funny God is as I open the book and find that where I left off was the beginning of the chapter entitled "Forgiveness." I read a few pages and I'm in tears, because it is exactly the pivotal point I need to be at in my life if I truly want to get past where I am so I can get to where I am going. "First, you need to forgive yourself and truly let go of the resentment and understand that I forgave you long before you even made your mistake, that is the price Christ paid for you!" Forgive myself huh?! *SIGHS* I knew I had led myself to and through all the situations I put myself in and in a way I was mad that I had managed to sabotage things that could have changed my life for the better, but how do I forgive myself? "By letting go." Letting go... "It is in the past, let it go!" I hadn't realized how tight of a grip I had on the past. I hadn't realized I even had a grip on it, let alone a tight grip. How do I let go? "By forgiving yourself."

The next step to this process is forgiving those that hurt me. As I continued to read the chapter in the book entitled "You're late again, Lord! The impatient woman's guide to God's timing" by Karon Phillips Goodman, I came to the part that insisted grudges held against others manage to keep me in a waiting room, which is Karons way of saying a stagnant stage in your life that keeps you from moving forward.

Everybody knows my life has been full of so many ups and downs that some friends lovingly give me the self-diagnosed title manic depressive. I went through a rough childhood that led me to look for love in the wrong places, finding abusive men to now, full blown insecurities that scare healthy men off which cause me to go through the motions of hurt, disappointment and then back up to healing, but not truly forgiving. This is how the motions become circular and why I find myself in similar situations-I create them so I can relive them because I am too afraid to experience possible joy because it is an unfamiliar pain.

One of the people in my past created my life's testimony, a book entitled Held Captive, which is a work in the making for me. I need strength to continue writing where I left off. This project has been put to the side because when I read it and write it, I relive it. It was important to me to find a foundation, a true love who could be a rock through my weak moments and support me through the pain and remind me that it is in the past. I was looking for a husband! Sadly, each man that came in my life on a noble stead with a sword in hand ready to take on the challenge, I scared them off into oblivion, my past being my only weapon! The ironic thing about this whole thing is that the same thing that is going to get me a husband is the same thing I need to get me a husband and now I realize, I never needed anyone. I needed God!

As I begin my journey backwards down the hall I had come so far on to close some doors that never should have been left open, I pray God keeps me strong and sustains me through the pain in order to be all that I know I'm destined to be... blessed!

Habit

Habit hab·it [hab-it] –noun

1. an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost
involuntary: the habit of looking both ways before crossing the street.

2. customary practice or use: Daily bathing is an American habit.

3. a particular practice, custom, or usage: the habit of shaking hands.

4. a dominant or regular disposition or tendency; prevailing character or quality: She has a habit of looking at the bright side of things.

Recent occurrences in my life had me face myself in the mirror and really see my reflection. Gathered information from various places had me analyze myself, my circumstances and my goals for the future. I found myself in a hamster wheel, running in circles and just like the friendly mouse Pinky from Pinky and the Brain, I thought I was finally getting somewhere. I guess we all know, the distance travelled on a treadmill can be electronically measured, but do we actually get anywhere?

I was faced with a decision. I needed my life to change. I was not meant to stay in this situation forever and everything I did was keeping me in the same spot I had been in for years. I had to stop pointing my fingers at the world and I had to look into myself to make changes in my thoughts and actions. I discovered that I was protecting myself, but not in a healthy way. My growth was minimal because I was too busy asking questions instead of looking for answers, and when I was given answers that I didn't like I pretended not to hear.

The saying ignorance is bliss is devastatingly wrong, for a fool can only lead the blind. I not only wanted answers, I wanted the truth. Yet I was not receiving every message that was being sent my way. I needed something powerful to hit me in the face and push me in the right direction. I was willing to do the work, but I didn't know where to start or what part to start on. I had no idea what was wrong with me, I thought I was well on my way. However, when the same thing happens to you over and over again, no matter which direction you go, you can only assume that everyone and everything else is not the problem, I'm the problem. But what could my problem possibly be?

I knew I had trust issues. I knew I had been through a rough life. I know my past is not the most honorable past, but I had moved on and let that side of me go... or did I?

Regardless as to what I knew I was or was not, I couldn't pin point the problem. It took going through one last painful experience to get a grasp of my reality. I was living in the past. Everything I did was compared to the past and as I sat back and watched everything unfold before my eyes as I predicted (not realizing I had set it up that way) I would wait for the end result and say I told you so to those close to me. Each new opportunity to create a new future was hampered by my subconscious need to protect myself by reliving my past in an unhealthy manner. This past conflict between the old me and the part of me fighting to become the new me led me to discover where the problem was and where it had been for so long.

I was a creature of habit. I thought I could hold grudges and sweep things under the rug and still be able to move forward with my life. I had forgotten to forgive and chose to forget, so I was obliquely reliving the circumstances in order to remind myself that I needed closure. When there is a lesson that you need to learn and you don't learn it, you find that you go through the same situations over and over again until you can get the teachings you are supposed to be receiving. It took me ten years to get the transmissions; I needed to forgive those that wronged me and I needed to take it a step further and forgive myself. Unfortunately, I had grown accustom to living my life and responding to scenarios according to how I had always done it. I was a glutton for punishment because instead of changing the things that didn't work, I had become habitual with my behaviors. It was natural for me to respond in the manner of which I did to each episode of my life.

I found myself grappling with my responsibilities. I knew what I had to do, but how do I do it? Change is not easy, especially with parts of your person who don't require thoughts for response. I had gone through the list of people in my past I felt I needed to truly forgive and let go of pieces of my life that made me who I am today, but I also had to prevent myself from reacting to a wide variety of circumstances that resembled my past to truly move on.

Like an addict, I have subjected myself to recovery. My body is physically withstanding and rejecting the treatment. My mind tries to convince me that one last time will prove that I don't need to change. My heart reassures me that this is a natural process and in order to heal, to really heal, I have got to get through this, one step at a time. From the beginning to the end, I have to retrain everything about who I had become to improve. There is no easy road or short cut and the path is painful. I have to go straight in, straight through in order to come out straight.

This is my life and I have to take claim of it. I have to ensure I get to where I am meant to go. I have to strive for cultivation instead of stagnation. The true predictor of whether or not my internal changes have worked is time. With each days that pass and every opportunity to respond to similar events in life I get to practice being the person I desire to be. I take the time needed to process information before speaking. I stop, I look, and I listen. It is in my obedience that I find a result that alters my perception and offers alternatives I had never known. It is those new results I discover positive reinforcements encouraging me to persist.