Time

I don't know what it is that I'm looking for anymore. I have gone through the same pile of papers a hundred times searching for something that just doesn't seem to be there. While I have no idea what it is I'm looking for, I feel like that is where I'm going to find it. In a pile of crumpled papers. Receipts, bills, contracts and report cards lay in this pile, but I'm looking for something else. An answer. A resolution. A proposition. Anything. Anything except what is actually there. On the surface everything looks the same, white pages with black ink. Envelopes with clear windows addressed to someone. Old candy wrappers that some how got in the mix send sweet sensations throughout my mouth full of memories from when I had originally bought the package.

As I close my eyes, I can see you standing in front of me with one of the candies in your hand and a smirk on your face. I tilt my head and respond with a similar smile. "What flavor do you think this is?" I look to your hands and see the yellow wrapper and the first thing that comes to mind is lemon. "Don't look at the wrapper, that won't help." You tell me to guess and stop trying to figure it out. Instead, I went to the other end of the spectrum. "Grape." I jokingly answered and as the words left my lips, the smirk left your face and your eyes got big. I felt like I had upset you, but two seconds later you tremble the words "how did you know?"

Our connection was strong. When I hurt, you felt it. When I was happy, you felt amazing. When you thought of me, I would randomly get the urge to call, without fail. Our love was intense and more than we both could bare and stronger than we were ready for. Our pasts were so damaged and broken that one would think our union would be a fairytale fantasy found in some Walt Disney movie complete with happily ever after. Unfortunately, that's not the path we took. Believe me, it could have if only we had given ourselves time.

This is a story full of trial and tribulation. It is of growing and changing and of loving and letting go. It is of appreciating everything for what it is worth, rather than what you want it to be.

Sometimes we find ourselves in other people. They help us get back in touch with our soul and when we meet those people we want to hold on to them forever. We want to absorb them into ourselves so we never have to lose them. Sometimes these people have a purpose in your life and that is all they are meant to be. Yet, some part of us can't let go and move on after they have done what they have come to do and we lose sight again. Soon, another comes along with the same purpose, since you didn't hold on to the information last time, and again, they are gone and again, you don't retain the information because you didn't open yourself up for the life lesson due to your fear that they too would eventually be gone. Time and time again, people come into your life and go, waiting to deliver a message, to serve their soul purpose in your life and you shut them out and reject them.

Sometimes you find yourself living your life as if you were a hamster in an exercise wheel. It's a repetative cycle that becomes mundane and predictable. Soon, the message you refuse to hear stops coming and you pray "Dear God why won't you answer my prayers? I have believed in you and waited for you, yet you foresake me." As the tears fall down your face your phone rings. You answer. "Hello?" "Do you want to come with me tonight? I'm going to a party and my boyfriend got sick and had to cancel last minute. I still want to go and you can use his ticket. Please?"

Your immediate reaction is dread. You don't want to be out. You don't want to see people. You don't want to be at this party, but you can hear that your friend needs you and suddenly you feel obligated to be a good friend and wipe your tears away. "What time is it at and where are we going?" As your friend relays the information to you, you're mentally going through your closet to think about what you should wear. Quickly you hop in the shower and start preparing for your noble deed for the day. You meet your friend, fake smile on your face and off the two of you go.

Of course someone walks over to you and it is another individual with a purpose in your life. There is immediate chemistry, which opens you up to receive the message and quickly the debate turns religious. You exchange ideas and ideals with each other and the seed is planted. They give you their number in hopes that you call and like a ghost they disappear, not to be seen again through the night.

You spend the rest of the time entertaining your friend and enjoying the party, but you can't seem to get this person out of your head. They were charismatic, energetic, and had an energy about them that you couldn't deny if you wanted to. You were attracted to them and though they aren't normally your type, there was just something about them that made you want to know more.

You followed your gutt and waited a few days before calling, maybe it was the position of the moon that finally forced you to cave in and call, but you call and the conversation went as if you had been sitting and chatting all night at the party. You talked to each other until dawn and hadn't noticed the time. Neither one of you know it, but you both have purpose and this purpose will be short lived. There is nothing either of you can do to make it last longer.

In the blissful days, while laying on the couch watching a movie, you look up to them and whisper, you are the answer to my prayers and oddly enough, they are. They are there to remind you of who you are. They are there to ensure you remember what it is like to live. They are there to give you hope. They are there to share a moment with you that can last a lifetime, if only you would let it. As time continues to pass, days become weeks, weeks become months and months become years, the bliss slowly fades and becomes routine. Every day is the same. Every moment predictable. Upon carefully analyzing everything, you realize that you are just as unhappy in the relationship as you are out of it.

This person didn't come into your life to be a part of your life. They came to deliver a message and no amount of time could make them the person you want them to be. "You have forgotten yourself and so, have forgotten me." A disturbing line from the Lion King rings true through your head and you decide to embark on a journey into the depths of your soul. You have finally gotten the message.