MORE

More, a word we use often. Something we never have enough of. Something we strive for. Something that keeps us from living for the moment. More is a greater amount, quantity or degree, a hope. Whichever it is, it is not yours. Whether it's more time, more money, more friends, more things to do, more children, more chances, we always want more and when we get it, it's not enough, we still want more.

We set our goals so far in the distant future and above any real attainable par that humanity as a whole seems to constantly disappoint us. Today is never enough and what we have falls short of what we want; more.

Yesterday I wanted more and I set out to get it. My head was bogged. I was so focused on getting things ready for tomorrow and I missed out on today. I missed everything that was happening around me. I didn't see the sun rise, I didn't see it set. I didn't see what my daughter was wearing to school, I didn't remember if I had packed her lunch. I don't know if I dropped her off at the front or the back of the school. I couldn't tell you if the leaves had fallen off of the trees on the path to her school. I was too busy thinking about tomorrow.

I wanted tomorrow to be perfect. I wanted everything to come together just as I have imagined it. I could see it all. I could see everyone's face light up as they saw everything I had planned and executed. I had so much more to do though before it would be ready. I spent my day running through a list of things I needed to do for tomorrow. I was rushing and angry when people got in my way. I was frustrated as street lights turned red. I was angry when my credit card declined. I was infuriated when I couldn't get the food I needed for tomorrow. I couldn't see an inch passed my nose.

Tomorrow hadn't even begun and yet I was sitting on my bedroom floor crying in sheer disappointment. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let everyone down and that they were counting on me to come through. Tomorrow hadn't even started and I could already feel that everything I had invested into these grandious plans was crumbling down right before my eyes.

I was projecting. I was using the past to dictate my future and was not making the most of what I had. I was feeling the resentment from the past and assuming it to be my future. I was submitting to a thought that was not my reality. Unfortunately, I felt as if it were my reality. Everything seemed real. I hadn't even woken up the next day and I was living today as if it were tomorrow already.

The irony of all this is that it can be applied to just about anything you do. Whether it is planning for a party or planning a happy ending with a romantic interest, we are inevitably setting standards that we strive to achieve some be all end all goal without actually living it through. In the end we sabotage the very thing we set out to protect. We wanted more because what we had was not enough and in the end we lost it all.

Tomorrow arrived and only a few of my guests arrived. Many had cancelled or just didn't show up and the night before, when I looked in the mirror I realized what it was that I was doing. I stopped myself instantly and made the best of what I had and enjoyed myself while I was doing it and those that showed up were astonished at what I had done.

You see, I expected more of myself. I expected me to be something I'm not. I expected you to love me more for doing it and when you didn't my world came crashing down.