Habit

Habit hab·it [hab-it] –noun

1. an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost
involuntary: the habit of looking both ways before crossing the street.

2. customary practice or use: Daily bathing is an American habit.

3. a particular practice, custom, or usage: the habit of shaking hands.

4. a dominant or regular disposition or tendency; prevailing character or quality: She has a habit of looking at the bright side of things.

Recent occurrences in my life had me face myself in the mirror and really see my reflection. Gathered information from various places had me analyze myself, my circumstances and my goals for the future. I found myself in a hamster wheel, running in circles and just like the friendly mouse Pinky from Pinky and the Brain, I thought I was finally getting somewhere. I guess we all know, the distance travelled on a treadmill can be electronically measured, but do we actually get anywhere?

I was faced with a decision. I needed my life to change. I was not meant to stay in this situation forever and everything I did was keeping me in the same spot I had been in for years. I had to stop pointing my fingers at the world and I had to look into myself to make changes in my thoughts and actions. I discovered that I was protecting myself, but not in a healthy way. My growth was minimal because I was too busy asking questions instead of looking for answers, and when I was given answers that I didn't like I pretended not to hear.

The saying ignorance is bliss is devastatingly wrong, for a fool can only lead the blind. I not only wanted answers, I wanted the truth. Yet I was not receiving every message that was being sent my way. I needed something powerful to hit me in the face and push me in the right direction. I was willing to do the work, but I didn't know where to start or what part to start on. I had no idea what was wrong with me, I thought I was well on my way. However, when the same thing happens to you over and over again, no matter which direction you go, you can only assume that everyone and everything else is not the problem, I'm the problem. But what could my problem possibly be?

I knew I had trust issues. I knew I had been through a rough life. I know my past is not the most honorable past, but I had moved on and let that side of me go... or did I?

Regardless as to what I knew I was or was not, I couldn't pin point the problem. It took going through one last painful experience to get a grasp of my reality. I was living in the past. Everything I did was compared to the past and as I sat back and watched everything unfold before my eyes as I predicted (not realizing I had set it up that way) I would wait for the end result and say I told you so to those close to me. Each new opportunity to create a new future was hampered by my subconscious need to protect myself by reliving my past in an unhealthy manner. This past conflict between the old me and the part of me fighting to become the new me led me to discover where the problem was and where it had been for so long.

I was a creature of habit. I thought I could hold grudges and sweep things under the rug and still be able to move forward with my life. I had forgotten to forgive and chose to forget, so I was obliquely reliving the circumstances in order to remind myself that I needed closure. When there is a lesson that you need to learn and you don't learn it, you find that you go through the same situations over and over again until you can get the teachings you are supposed to be receiving. It took me ten years to get the transmissions; I needed to forgive those that wronged me and I needed to take it a step further and forgive myself. Unfortunately, I had grown accustom to living my life and responding to scenarios according to how I had always done it. I was a glutton for punishment because instead of changing the things that didn't work, I had become habitual with my behaviors. It was natural for me to respond in the manner of which I did to each episode of my life.

I found myself grappling with my responsibilities. I knew what I had to do, but how do I do it? Change is not easy, especially with parts of your person who don't require thoughts for response. I had gone through the list of people in my past I felt I needed to truly forgive and let go of pieces of my life that made me who I am today, but I also had to prevent myself from reacting to a wide variety of circumstances that resembled my past to truly move on.

Like an addict, I have subjected myself to recovery. My body is physically withstanding and rejecting the treatment. My mind tries to convince me that one last time will prove that I don't need to change. My heart reassures me that this is a natural process and in order to heal, to really heal, I have got to get through this, one step at a time. From the beginning to the end, I have to retrain everything about who I had become to improve. There is no easy road or short cut and the path is painful. I have to go straight in, straight through in order to come out straight.

This is my life and I have to take claim of it. I have to ensure I get to where I am meant to go. I have to strive for cultivation instead of stagnation. The true predictor of whether or not my internal changes have worked is time. With each days that pass and every opportunity to respond to similar events in life I get to practice being the person I desire to be. I take the time needed to process information before speaking. I stop, I look, and I listen. It is in my obedience that I find a result that alters my perception and offers alternatives I had never known. It is those new results I discover positive reinforcements encouraging me to persist.